Vegas Baby

Well peoples, this is the big Vegas weekend. I had promised my 16 year old that I would take her on a fun trip for her 16th birthday. Her birthday was in July, but I pointed out to her that she was 16 for the entire year. You might be asking why the heck would I take a 16 year old to Sin City? Well for one, it was her choice and two there are plenty of things for a family to check out in Vegas. Just think of all the experiences she will have. One example, walking down the strip and having all the "card clickers" that's what I call all the people passing out half naked cards of women to men. These people hit the cards on their thighs, tap them with their fingers, anything to get your attention. Half the time the strip is littered with the pictures of women whose parts have a star on their parts. Only in Vegas! The other fun thing to check out is all the shows. We have already lined up two shows. No topless reviews.... The MGM now has the new CSI Experience. It's were you get to solve a crime with a simulated version of one of the CSI characters. Sounds interesting. One of the most entertaining aspects is watching the hordes of people chow down at the buffets. There are some serious eaters out there. Probably not a bad idea for these buffet places to offer wheel chair service after you eat. One of my daughter's request was to go to Caesar's Palace, so she could see where they filmed the movie "Hangover." You can all bank on it that we will be shopping. Shop shop shop. Shop until we drop. :) Can you tell I'm looking forward to this trip? Of course the adults will get some time on the Blackjack tables. Wish us luck! Go Big, or Go Home. Penny slots here I come.

Have an awesome weekend people!

Have you ever noticed?

Have you ever noticed that there seem to be more plump guys on motorcycles, then there are skinny guys? Honestly, is it just me or has anyone else noticed how the bikes are getting smaller and the riders are getting bigger? So I'm driving down the road thinking of some funny song titles for hefty dudes on Harley type bikes. Here is what I came up with.

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1. Born to be Wide

2. Bad to the Blubber

3. Two Tickets to Paradise Cafe

4. Rock'n down the Jenny Craig Highway

5. Magic Chaff-it Ride

6. Flirt'n with Dino-asster

7. Against My Wind

8. 30 days in the Buffet

9. Fire on my mountain-ass

10. Knock'n on 7-11's Door

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No large men were hurt or abused in the making this blog.

How do you know......Farm Version Top 5

How do you know if you have the Sheep flu? Your symptom are: (1) a fear of wolves (2) a woolly feeling in your throat (3) a cough that sounds more like a baaaa baaaa (4) a fixation with Serta mattress commercials and (5) always looking over your shoulder, for fear someone wants to be Little Blow Peep the porn version a.k.a Sheep Gone Wild.

How do you know if you have the Goat Flu? Your symptoms are: (1) a fear of rubber-bands (re how to fix a goat cheap) (2) the table magazines are looking very delicious (3) everything is looking edible (4) a cough that sounds like naaaaa naaaaa and (5) the over-whelming feeling of wanting head-butt people in the backside.

How do you know if you have the Cow Flu? Your symptoms are: (1) large splotchy areas starting to form all over your body that resemble the Rorschach inkblot test (2) large leaky utters forming above your belly (2) a cough that sounds like mooo mooo (4) the need to be called Bessy and (5) the urge to constantly chew on something called feed. Yum

How do you know if you have the Horse Flu? Your symptoms are: (1) a large amount of hair starts growing out of your backside (2) you are constantly prancing and galloping (3) your cough sounds like a whinny, neigh, snort (4) you starting counting by stomping your fo-hoof and (5) You can swat flies with you tail.

How do you know if you have the Pig Flu? Your symptoms are: (1) you just got back from a Mexico vacation (2) you find yourself face first, and ass up in the garbage can (3) your cough sounds more like a grunt (4) your house resembles a sty and (5) you watch Charlotte's Web and Babe for the 100th time.

Happy Tuesday

The Cottage Cheese Curse

This blog entry is dedicated to the womanly Cottage Cheese Curse we like to call cellulite. There are many different ways to describe thigh junk. Examples, cottage cheese, dimples, bumples, lumps, divots, craters, bubble wrap, mashed taters, etc. Experts say approx. 90% of all women have some form of cellulite. Do you know what that tells me? That the other 10% are freaks of nature! This 10% will never look in the mirror and compare their thighs to a sack full of walnuts. They are not "normal." Freaks! Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with being lumped with the 90%. I like being a part of a majority. We women that constantly squish our thighs analyzing each lump, are not alone. I think we should be proud of our investment into making our thighs look more womanly. Sure if we get carried away, we get the old panty hose swish. But who cares! Yes, we can start small forest fires when our flannel pants get a little heated up while camping. Look at it this way, you will always have a fire source if you matches get wet. Of course, we can trap a burglar in a scissor death grip with our thighs. Nothing wrong with slightly restricting the airway of a law breaker. Best of all, our womanly thighs make us more womanly. So the next time you see some stick figure woman with legs that resemble a corn stalk, give her a shout out. Eat a freak'n hamburger! "You Daddy-Long Leg Freak!" :)

Nerds Rule!

Over the weekend, my daughter and I had a fun time hanging out while my hottie husband von schnauzer played in a golf tourney. Have to love the mani-pedi session. Purdy toes! Here you see us sporting the latest in 3-D fashion. Sunday, we all went to the movies to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. Now we all realize this is a kid's movie, but my daughter and I love 3-D movies. We pretend we are nerds before the movie starts. I think she looks adorable in her shades. I look like I just had cataract surgery. Wow, I also just noticed that she and I are wearing are hair parted on the same side. Hmmm. If it weren't for her dark hair, she might be a mini-me. Don't tell her I said that, because she would protest and ask every passerby if we look alike. I'm not showing a picture of my man (Will) with his 3-D glasses on, but if you can picture this, he looks like a Ken doll impersonating lighter haired Clark Kent. Sup? Super-Man! The movie was extremely cute and funny. Word of advice. Don't go to the movie hungry or you will end up drooling all over yourself and your stomach may sound like an angry lyon. I love the Mr. T character, Earl. Also over the weekend, we coined a couple more car/violence phrases. I'm sure most of you have heard of the phrase Slug Bug and then you punch the person closet to you. Well we've added the phrase Copper Chopper. Every time we see a police car, we karate chop the person next to us. I've also added PT punch for PT Cruisers and Tanker Tap for large milk, oil or other type tankers By the time we get out of the car, we look like we just came from fighting in an UFC octagon. We all were trying to come up with a catchy phrase for a van. If I haven't mentioned it, I dislike driving behind vans. (no offence my besty van drive'n co-worker, Lisa). But we fell short in giving a van a proper violent move. Unless you count the person who blurted out in the car "van spam." I won't be naming any names, because we had some fun with that one. I wasn't sure if they were talking about computer spam or Spam the mystery meat. Love you van spammer.

Happy Happy Happy

My list of happy things.

I am happy that every morning, I wake up to see another beautiful sunrise. Once I say hola to the sunrise, I am happy that I am waking up next to the man I adore and love. I am especially happy that I'm a mom. Making breakfast for my awesome daughter adds a little more happy to my morning. I get happier once I've had my morning caffeine. Darn perky happy! I am "thankful happy" I have a job, where there are people like me, worried about the economy, but making the best of what they have. I am happy that I have my health, though some would debate my mental health is degrading. I think they are jealous. I am happy I have a wonderful family. They are always there to listen, nudge me in a positive direction. Even when I'm not feeling so positive and laugh with me when I'm having a mental moment. Maybe my entire family is mental and we just laugh because "that's how we roll?" I'm happy I have great friends, fun friends. If ever I am struggling to find my peter pan "happy moment' they make a crack or remark that makes me smile. Yes, even my friends are happy people too. My cat makes me happy. Random I know, but Anna the cat really is a sweet heart, even when she is scoot'n her butt on the carpet or shredding the faux leather on the bar-stools with her claws. I am happy my car (a.k.a rattle trap), gets me to work and back. It makes me happy when I drink chai tea in the afternoon at work with my work besty Lisa. It makes me happy when I get a courtesy wave from another driver when I let them into a lane. (I'm really thinking, "would you go already" but I'm smiling on the outside) Ok, I'm not that crazy about getting older, but since I am, I might has well enjoy every day, minute and second. I don't mind being that happy old crazy woman one day. But not the crazy old cat lady. No way. Chocolate makes me happy. Chocolate goooood. So my day ends, I drive home from work and I'm happy about seeing another sunset. Except I drive home when the sun is eye level, so I can't be 100% happy until the sun hits the mountain and I am no longer blinded by sunlight. Wow, I'm having a deep moment, sort of. Don't worry folks, it will pass, just like gas..... :) P.S. This is the shorter version of my happy list. Figured you didn't have all day to read my happy things. There could be a two part-er. I'm kidding! Happy Wednesday.

Football and Rowdy Drunk Fans

This weekend I had the honor of working the home opener for the Arizona Cardinals vs. 49ers first regular season football game. I have to admit, I'm a bit confused about the fan mentality. I don't get how a person can spend $100 smackers on a ticket, get drunk off their keesters and then be tossed out of the game or escorted to the lovely holding cell (drunk tank) in the bowels of the stadium. So, should we blame it on the pre-game party also known as the tailgater brew-ha ha. Some of these tailgaters have massive set-ups. They have big screen TVs, BBQ grills, a kitchen, surround sound stereo system, an out-door living room and a butler. These fans put more money into their tailgate set up, then they do their homes. My favorite is the redneck tailgater. It's the two dudes with the home-made face paint, the old beat-up pick-up truck, the two ratty lawn chairs in the back, ice chest full of beer and a six foot sub on their tailgate. Add the tank top with the arm holes that reach down to their beer guts and you have a party waiting to happen. Nothing sexier then a guy with a beer gut and one nipple peeking out of his tank top sleeve. I'm really kidding! Ick. While at the stadium there was a drunk father and son that decided to pick a fight with a San Fran fan. I didn't see what happened top side, but when they brought the two down to the dungeon, the son was missing his pants. How proud his dad must be walking along side his son in handcuffs and his tighty whities. Funny, the kid was acting all tough one minute and then whimpering to his dad, "what should I do" Well here is some sound advice, don't listen to your dad because he is handcuffed too and both your drunk butts wouldn't be in Cell Block C (cardinals) if he was a responsible dad. It's not just the men, but the ladies were just as bad. Hey ladies, you do not look attractive stumbling around drunk in the stadium in your hooker heals, booty shorts and ripped t-shirts. Really, you don't look hot hugging the cement pillar while your drunk girlfriends runs from booth to booth looking for lemon slices to settle your stomach to keep you from blowing chunks! Please don't ralph that Cardinals foot-long hot dog and nachos with jalapenos in public! Taint pretty! But seriously, the majority of the fans are pretty cool and are nice to the rival fans. There are just a few drunks per game that keep the post-game basement dwellers entertained. Hey people, be nice out there. Happy Monday.